Freedom To Be Me

Have you ever felt angry all of a sudden?  That used to happen to me all the time.  One day, frustrated of that feeling and the way it was affecting me and those around me, I decided to investigate the source of that “sudden” change in me, which would take hours to get rid of.  This was the first step in the right direction because I no longer ignored things and waited for them to go away. I decided I was going to go deeper and understand it. 

After many years of “silly” fights that would often turn into ugly arguments with my then boyfriend, now husband, I seriously told myself: “It’s neither fair nor healthy to live like this”.  So I started the quest to find the cause of my anger.  I’m still not sure how the process started, but once I was willing to be more vulnerable and honest with myself I finally understood that the anger I was feeling would usually manifest itself when I would betray my principles, my essence, my beliefs and the things I enjoyed, even if they were small things, such as choosing the flavor of my ice cream or the type of pizza I wanted. 

That anger would come out when I would do what others wanted me to do, when I was doing things just to please others and to avoid confrontations.  I was taking away my right to accept myself the way I was. The saddest part was that I didn’t even realize that the things I was doing and saying were not really who I was. 

So, where am I going with all this? I think many women have felt this and sometimes they don’t take the time to face it.  Nowadays we live in such a hurry; we have so many commitments and responsibilities that we lose communication with ourselves. We tend to put in our list of priorities our family, our job, our friends, leaving no space to be on our own and spend time just thinking.  Sometimes we go to the movies, or to a party or we take an afternoon to catch up with friends, but many of us fall into the trap of believing that is enough time to dedicate to ourselves, when in reality it isn’t because those moments are with others, which are great, but are not time alone.  We need to be comfortable being on our own; we need to enjoy being by ourselves. When we don’t spend enough time alone we start to disconnect from our essence and from our personality. The key question is: How do we avoid the masks we tend to use and stop betraying ourselves? The answer may not be easy and it is very personal.  It depends on you, your lifestyle and your story, but just asking the question is already a step forward in the right direction. 

In my case, I started realizing that I needed my space.  Accepting that I was getting upset because I was acting the way others expected me to act was the hardest thing to do, but the first step to letting me be me. 

By Ana