Are you taking your child's talents seriously?

Wouldn’t you like for your children to work a job they love when they grow up? Don’t you want them to be happy every morning because they are dedicating their time to doing what they feel they have been created to be doing?  Loving what you do is a great feeling, and we can teach our children from a young age how to achieve it by helping them recognize their strengths and using them. 

However, sometimes we don’t take our children’s talents and abilities seriously.  We even discourage them from continuing, because we think they could use their time focusing on something that will “benefit” them in the future.  We may discourage them from discovering what they love and what they are good at when we invite them to try to fit to what society has labeled as “good” traits to have a “good” job. 

When I finished high school and I was trying to figure out what to study, I remember not knowing my strengths.       When it was time to make a career decision, I chose to become an international economist.  I don’t regret it, since I have learned a lot of interesting things and the education I have received has opened several doors, but I really dislike math.  I really, really, really don’t like numbers, and I had to dedicate a lot of time to them. I worked very hard to understand them and to make good grades, and I did, but it was difficult for me.      Why didn’t I choose another field? One in which I could still work hard, but at least enjoy it? Honestly, I didn’t know myself and I wanted to please my parents.  This was a great lesson. Now I am the first one to support my children’s “out of the ordinary” career paths.  My daughter wants to be an actress, singer, and entrepreneur; my son’s dream is to be a professional tennis player.  I see their talent and the hard work they put into their passion.  I am their biggest fan, doing what is in my hands as a mom and a guide so they can achieve their dream using their strengths. Will they be rich and famous? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter, as long as they are enjoying their work.  Of course they need to be realistic and have clear ideas on how to make a living, but I want them to be creative and find ways to achieve it by using the many talents they have been given. 

As parents we can know our children better than anyone and we can be the first ones to help them discover their strengths.   Here are some ideas on what we can do as parents to help our children use their strengths: 

- Listen to your children.  Hear the excitement as they discuss certain topics or share the things they have done. 

- Record special moments in which you notice their strengths at work, even at a very young age. They will love to see it later and it may help them make decisions in the future. 

- Don’t shoot down their ideas, no matter how difficult it may seem to achieve them. Listen and support.  Mention that it may not be easy. 

- Let them be children.  Many times our mature “parent mind” stops our children from letting their imagination fly.  

- Encourage creative thinking, study sessions, sport activities, involvement in the arts… expose your children to different things from an early age so they can discover their talents 

Enjoy your children’s talents, be a part of their world, encourage them, enjoy the journey with them.  Whether we realize it or not, children, no matter their age, want to make their parents proud, so be by their side as they travel through life developing their talents and enjoying who they are and sharing what they have been given. 

Manuelita@manuelitaotero

Don’t spend your life trying to be a copy

Every person is unique and imperfect; so are families. That is, in part, the great joy of life: the diversity, and genuineness… not the impossible perfection or the boring copy.

Have you ever spent a long time visiting friends and ended up discovering unique characteristics about them?  I don’t mean the easy labels that many times we give families, like: “The Smiths are so funny”, or “The Rochester are so snobby”. As if every member of the family could be described with just one word. I am talking about a more in depth description that takes time and can only be done as part of a process which makes each family unique.

I dream with giving “wings” – even if it sounds as a cheesy phrase – to that wonderful feeling of being  unique and achieving something important in the world.  And as any dream that deserves respect, sometimes it keeps me up at night.  I decided to try to understand and find what is that something that could make each person in my family feel free to be who they are meant to be so they won’t lose their identity or spend their life trying to be a copy of someone else. It is easy to fall into the trap of wanting to imitate the achievements, dreams and style of other people. But thanks to experience, I finally found that the key to allow my family members to be themselves is to understand that being ourselves is a step by step process.  In that journey some steps will be in the wrong direction, some we wish we could forget, and there will be some that will be small and yet important.  We can’t wait until the end of our life to applaud and celebrate our achievements.  It is not fair to only enjoy and value the final results.  Just imagine how much more fun life would be if we celebrated small steps… ours and other people’s too.  This is how we keep the authenticity of our family and of each member in it.  This is how we stop obsessing over comparisons and we finally understand that we are traveling at our own speed; therefore, who cares how fast others are going?

Maybe I will never be able to describe my family with specific words or phrases, but nothing could compare to the life we live and how much I enjoy our step by step journey.  This is happiness.  

By  Ana

Giving starts at home

Some of the best memories we have from traveling as a family are not related to the places we saw, the exciting things we did or the hotels we stayed at. The best memories involved giving. 

Giving abroad is a process; first you make the contacts to visit orphanages, hospitals, churches,  or jails. Then, as a family, you buy all the things you need to take. You see the joy in your children as they make necklaces or cards to give away Once you reach your destination, you drive for hours to reach the place and share a game of soccer with orphans, read a story with sick children, or simply share a smile and some food with special people who greatly need it. Giving abroad is priceless and it is the best part of your trip.

There’s something powerful about giving.  There’s so much joy when we make someone smile and make a difference in someone’s life.  Does it mean that to be able to give I need to travel to exotic locations or go on mission trips? I think deep inside we know that to give all we need is to open our heart and make ourselves available.  Once we do that, we will see opportunities as close as our neighborhood, our city, our children’s school or our workplace. 

But we don’t even have to go anywhere to start, because giving starts at home.  That’s where we set up an environment in which we give a lot, but we also receive a lot.  As a mom I can tell you that many times we show our children that we, moms, give a lot; but we forget to teach them that they also need to too. Many times without realizing it we are teaching our children that for them to give they have to receive, creating a feeling of entitlement.  In some cases children will not do anything around the house unless they get something in return. Family members need to be attentive to the needs of others, not because they are expecting something in return, but just because. 

The more we give, the easier it is, so here is a list of giving ideas to get you and your family started.  Keep adding to the list and notice how giving will become an essential part of your life:

•  Give honest compliments. Who doesn’t love to hear something positive? You will be surprised by how easy it is to make someone’s day.   
• Give encouragement in different ways:  Little surprising notes, texts, positive words, e-mails, or cards.
• Give together time at an organization that works in a cause you believe in.  
• Give kindness, polite greetings to strangers, and smiles to those who provide services for you.
• Give love in different ways to those closest to you.  Be creative.  Making little surprises doesn’t take a lot of time or money; it just takes the desire to do it and they could become the best memories for those you love.
• Give your family a break from the routine and do something unexpected.
• Give everyone you speak to or listen to, your undivided attention.  Don’t let electronics take you away from the moment.  
• Give gifts to those who add to your life.  Give cookies to the mail person, a special treat to your child’s coaches, a thankful note to someone who helped you.
• Give at a local food pantry, at church, or at an organization that is fighting hunger in your community.
• Give babysitting time to a couple who needs a little break.
• Give a listening ear without any judgement to a young teen.
• Give yourself a break and do something you love every day.
• Give experiences, open your home to friends and family.  Share laughs, words, and good food.

Cultivating a giving environment takes time and lots of practice, but the effects on your family, and on society will make the challenge worth it, it becomes part of the legacy we want to leave.   

 Manuelita @manuelitaotero

My past doesn't define my future

Life is made up of experiences and memories that we gather as days go by. Many of those are from our childhood, and even if we don’t remember the actual events, the impacts last a lifetime.  Most of the initial memories come from the closest people to us, our family.  Sometimes a positive word can set a determination to succeed in a child and a negative one could stay imprinted in a child’s mind, building walls and low self-esteem.  Even though we can’t choose what happened to us as children, we can do something about the feelings we have now.  Build on the positive and let go of the negative.

Have you ever stopped to think how memories from the past affect your everyday life? Even if you only see that family member who hurt you once a year, you try to ignore their comments and avoid confrontation. Tough issues need to be dealt with because anything in our life that we leave unresolved will come up when we least expect it.   Problems have to be faced, no matter how hard it may be and the sooner the better. 

Who wants to go through life carrying unneeded negative stuff, weighting our journey down and affecting our relationships? The following are some ideas to help us get rid of those heavy feelings that are stealing our joy:

- Enjoy the silence: Sometimes we keep busy on purpose so we won’t have to be silent with our thoughts, but taking time to think and analyze the things that are bothering us is necessary. How can we fix something if we don’t know what  we need to fix? Take time to think and write down your thoughts, it is step one towards inner de-cluttering.

- Be honest: Facing tough memories is hard, painful and scary; that is why many times we prefer to do everything else but that.  When we finally accept that we are not perfect, and no one else is we can bring down the walls that we have built to pretend that we have it all under control. That is when we start to be honest with ourselves and with others.  

- The blaming game:  Blaming someone for all our problems is not going to make them better, it only perpetuates heavy feelings and never allows for true healing to occur.  When someone hurts us deeply our initial reaction is to blame them and make them feel the same pain we have felt, but the feeling that “justice” has been served doesn’t last long.  True healing only comes when we forgive, let go, and we take control of our life. 

- Letting go: It is important to face the people who hurt us, if possible, letting them know what they did that affected us.  But this can only be done at the right time, when we have dealt with issues on our own so we won’t be talking out of anger but out of the desire to have closure and be able to move on.   We can’t control how others are going to react, but we can control what we do and what we say.  The goal is to face the issue and finally let it go.  The past is gone; we have our present and our future ahead and we don’t want anything negative from the past to get in the way.

- Step by step: Be patient, letting go of heavy feelings takes time so we can’t expect to be able to unpackthe unnecessary stuff in our life all at once in just a few weeks.  Some issues are going to be easier to get rid of, others will take some time, but dealing with them and defining strategies that will help us finally get over them is a step in the right direction.  

It helps to remember that no one is perfect, and sometimes people hurt because they have been hurt.  Issues from our past don’t have to define our future.  We decide what stays and what goes.

Manuelita @manuelitaotero

A slow pace in the middle of the rush

I remember what our mornings used to be like.  I would wake up later than planned because I went to bed much later than I wanted to, so I would jump out of bed and start yelling for everyone to wake up.  I would rush my children, telling them to do ten things at the same time so they would not miss the bus.

After waking them up in such a way that they were in a bad mood, and there would be tension. I would not sit with them because I was too busy making the lunch they had to take and then  washing dishes to save time later.  Many times we had already argued or were in the middle of an argument as we ran to the bus. Once my children were on the bus I’d feel guilty for the way the morning had turned out. The next morning,  everything was the same.  Now, things are different.  We sit down for breakfast together and we talk about our plans for the day.  We live in the moment.  Of course it helps that my children are now studying online, so there is no rush every morning to get the bus. But more than that, my attitude has changed.  I stopped and looked at my children and realized how fast they were growing and how soon they would be leaving to begin a new phase in their journey and I didn’t want to miss out the opportunities to share time with them now.  I decided I wasn’t going to let the rush of life stop me from enjoying this moment with them.  

We hear beautiful quotes about appreciating what we have, and we agree and wish we could apply them to our life, but then real life situations come and those quotes seem far away.  It makes me think of a phrase I heard so many times while studying economics: “Ceteris paribus” which in Latin means “all other things being equal or held constant” and in life most things are not constant, there are always factors affecting it, which throws our carefully drafted plans out the window and makes it hard to apply all those “phrases for a perfect life”.

What good is it for me to tell my children to live in the present, if I am making that present a terrible experience?  If they see me worried about tomorrow when today is just starting? If they see that I can’t even sit down to watch a movie with them because I have laundry to fold?

To teach our children to enjoy the moment we need to show them how.  It is important to help them understand that they don’t always have to be “busy”. We need to be careful not to allow distractions steal from each memory.  But how do we do that?  Actions speak louder than words and as parents we are being watched constantly; our children are learning from what they see us doing.   Do we half way listen to them as we scroll checking the latest e-mail or tweet? Do we leave them hanging on a sentence to answer a text?   If you want your children to pay attention to you, then pay attention to them. Let them see you live in the moment. Even from a very young age, children know when we as parents are fully connected and emotionally present.  

 Here are some ideas that may help when teaching our children to be more in the moment:

Tell them to do one thing at the time:  I don’t know if all mothers do this, but I tell my children to do five things at the same time, and it drives them crazy!  They are older now and I have asked them to help me by letting me know when I do it. They tell me: “I can only do one thing at the time” they are not being rude, they are being honest.  I keep thinking that I can do many things at the same time and I used to feel so proud of multitasking, until I realized that maybe it was not such a good thing after all.  

Be ok about uncertainty:  Making plans is necessary, important and fun; having objectives gives us guidance and motivation.  We need timelines and schedules to turn dreams into realities, but sometimes we worry too much about the future.  At times we want to control everything and have a sense of certainty, but when we realize that there is not much we can control, we find freedom and flow. We need to teach our children that plans should be helpful guides not strait jackets.  It is great for our children to learn that they won’t always get their way and that is ok because if they work hard and do their best, good things will happen, even better than what they planned.

Make technology-free moments and areas: Technology is wonderful and being connected is a great benefit, but it is necessary to take some time to disconnect. For our children to learn to live the moment, they need to let go of technology once in a while so they can focus on what is surrounding them instead of the screen on their electronic devices. In her book The Big Disconnect, Catherine Steiner-Adair explains the negative impact our dependency on technology is having on the development of children: “While parents and children are enjoying swift and constant access to everything and everyone in the internet, they are struggling to maintain a meaningful, personal connection with each other in their own homes.”  It is sad to think electronic devices are interfering in the way children are learning to relate to family members, affecting their future relationships. 

Do what you love:  In her book “Daring to be Yourself” Alexandra Stoddard says:  “We don’t live our lives year to year or month to month; we live moment to moment.”  And that is what stays in our mind- special moments;  That is what we are leaving our children.   Let your children see you doing what you love and invite them to join you or to do what they love. Train your senses to just be, to listen, to smell, to appreciate the sky and the flowers and the trees.  Walk more, explore more, and savor more.  Live at a slow pace in the middle of the rush.

We all have fast paced lives, believe me, I know.  In our family we have so much going on and I know many people look at us and think what a hectic life we live.  It could seem a little chaotic but in the middle of that rush we find time for the important things.  We always gather as a family, sit down for meals, laugh and talk.  We find our way to enjoy our now.  We are all different, so no one can tell you how to enjoy your present or how you can teach that to your children.  Find your way. Get together with your family and decide how are you going to live the moment.  Don’t let life become an overwhelming list of obligations, let it be a celebration and a celebration deserves time to be enjoyed.

Manuelita @manuelitaotero

The Magic Formula to Raise Children?

As parents, we want our children to be happy; the problem is that at times we think we always know what will make them happy and we end up pushing our views, ideas, and dreams into them.  

Have you ever done something just to please your parents? Do you really want your children to do things just to make you happy or find approval? Or do you want them to be free to be themselves and follow their own path?

There’s a thin line when it comes to parenting.  We need to guide our children, encourage good decisions, help them when they are facing difficulties so they can learn and grow. At the same time, we need to give them the freedom to make their own choices without depending on approval, including ours.

Raising strong children is a lifelong endeavor.  We don’t start teaching our children to take responsibility for their actions when they become teens; we start from the moment they are born because everything they hear, experience and see is going to shape them and affect their future.

We have an amazing impact on our children and it should be positive. That doesn’t mean that we will always get it right, because we won’t. Being a parent is the hardest thing we will ever do.  We can’t compare ourselves to our friends or to the perfect families we see on TV.  We need to know our family, know each member and create our own family style, allowing everyone to be who they are.  No one has the secret formula to raise children.  It hasn’t been defined; it changes as our children grow and it develops as we mature. It is a continuous learning process; a beautiful process.

When a child has a strong sense of self love, he or she will be ready to face peer pressure, bullying, criticism, rejection and so many other challenges that we hope they never have to encounter. They won’t only survive through difficulties but thrive and grow. 

We won’t always be present to protect and guide our children, so we need to teach them to do these things on their own.  

So, how can we teach our children to feel free to be who they are?

- Example: This may bring some pressure to us, but there’s no way around it.  Our children see everything we do, hear everything we say and know us better than we imagine. Whether they want to or not, our children many times end up imitating what we do.  What good it is to tell them to love what they do if they hear us complaining daily about our job? What good is it to teach them not to judge, yet we criticize anyone who seems “different”?

- Experiences: My son tried several sports before he found his love for tennis.  That meant long hours of driving, waiting and of course, a monetary investment. But it was all worth it because he found his passion. My daughter always knew she wanted to act, and experiences in life have given her a wider view of things; a different perspective that she can take into the characters she plays.  We all need experiences in life.  We need to break the routine, try out new things. Children will benefit if they are exposed to different situations.  Travel far and near, explore your city, visit museums, go to the theater, encourage visits to family members and conversations with them.  Teach your children to search for what they love, and once they find it to dedicate themselves to it with discipline and joy.

- Advice: As parents, why do we establish rules in our house? To guide our children, to protect them, and to teach them. Rules are not bad, but sometimes we present them in a negative way to our children.   More than a list of rules, children need advice and procedures so they can remember them later when situations arise.  Limits are required and they need to be respected and followed, guidelines are the foundation so later children can make their own decisions without needing someone looking over their shoulders. There is no need for a power struggle at home; it has to be very clear that the parent is the authority and the guidelines established need to be seen in a positive way so they will add to our children’s growth and development. Rules can always be broken, but advice will be remembered.  

- Unconditional love:  Telling our children that our love for them will not change no matter what is one of the best things we can do.  They need to hear this often so they see that we don’t base our love on their success, grades, accomplishments or anything they do.  Children need to know that they will be loved, even if they make mistakes. They want us to be proud of them, that is why they hide the negative things they have done. But if they feel that they can come to us no matter what, a lot of positive can come out of a negative situation.

Children grow up fast and the time that they are home with us, when we can influence them the most goes by quickly.  We need to take advantage of it.  We can’t shelter our children from life, they need to see it with us so when they go out on their own they will be able to face it without stress, knowing that they can make a positive impact in the world being who they are meant to be and loving every minute of it.

Manuelita@manuelitaotero

Loving Us More

“Regardless of being wives and mothers we are still women”*

I wonder at what time so many women that I know stopped resting as they should and doing the things they love?  I have been thinking about this for the last two to three years, maybe because I am at that phase in my life in which most of my friends, beautiful and valuable women, are starting to change their priorities as they have decided to live with someone, get married, have children and start a family, which of course changes the rhythm of life.

As these changes were happening; I started receiving several invitations to bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers or birthday parties.  And every time one arrives I feel a great joy since lately it has become the only opportunity to get together to chat and laugh with the ones that a few months ago were like my shadow, my inseparable friends. 

At the parties, I'd see my friends rushing around, beautiful as always, happy and confident, but as I looked closer, however, I noticed they seemed exhausted from all the planning, as if they were regretting having the life they chose. This is a problem where the reality of the daily rush wins over the joy to be with the people they love.  

But what reality am I talking about? The one we tell ourselves in short texts while we are doing our errands, or the one we share through emails that seem therapeutic, or the one we discuss during lunches that took forever to plan.  The deep issues of our life that we share as we eat, work, look at a wedding dress or help our children with their homework.  And at the heart of it all stress seems to be in the middle of our lives due to excess work and fatigue.  We worry and we have anxiety because we feel there is never “enough time” for everything we want to do.  And maybe the things that stress us are not necessarily always big, but they steal our energy and sleep and in a way trouble our soul.   

When I notice all that fatigue I can’t help but ask, at what time did we allow so many things worry us?  Things like groceries that can wait or an errand that is not vital stress us to the point that we forget to do some of the things we really enjoy.  At what time did we allow the “normal” rush of having a new family invade us more than necessary?  Because if we are honest, it invades our time, our dreams, and even our essence. Of course it is not our family’s fault; it is up to us to choose how to use our time.   

It is not about ignoring all the beautiful things and the joy involved with having a new family, but it is not either about resigning to live tired because we want to pretend we can do it all, control it all, have the perfect family; even when we don’t realize that is what we are trying to do. 

Since we are the ones in charge of our time, we should make the decision to love ourselves by taking care of ourselves before we take care of others. This is the only way we can find balance.

This invitation is for us to understand how valuable we are and how we can love ourselves more during our day to day activities:  

1. Have a set day to put into practice a simple beauty tip.  

2. Plan to do something you love, at least once a month. Make it something that is just yours. 

3. If you feel tired and you have a partner, agree with him to have your own time.  Not just the opportunity to sleep a little longer in the morning or at night, but maybe some hours on Saturday or Sunday to read for a while, watch T.V., think without being rushed, or listen to music. Whatever you enjoy.  

4. Teach your children from a young age to respect your space (If they respect it, they will understand that you deserve it and some day they will remind you to take time for you and to enjoy your space)

5.  Think “Nothing will happen…” The world will not collapse if you stay a Saturday or Sunday at home resting without making a specific plan.  Nothing will happen if you say no to a family lunch because you are tired and want to be alone for a while.  Nothing will happen if you tell your partner that you need time just for you.  Nothing will happen if when buying groceries you buy first something you really want, even before you buy the goodies for your children, and if there is only money for yours… nothing will happen, at least nothing major that is worth worrying about.  

PD.  I dedicate this to my soul sisters, my friends of forever, the ones I know in good times and bad times. 

Ana

*Marcela Mar || Actriz colombiana || Revista Esquire edición No. 52 - Colombia, septiembre de 2014.